My journey as a parent to a child with SSA (Same-Sex Attraction) did not begin with a “Come-Out-Of-The-Closet” moment. It happened so gradually, spanning over years.
It started with a few disturbing questions from my child. As parents, we stumbled in the dark to make sense of our faith, values, beliefs and what our child was telling us. We turned to church pastors, who were sometimes genuine and kind, but nevertheless, clueless or ill-equipped to help. Their attempts fizzled out when they could not make sense of it, thinking that time would sort everything out in the hope that this SSA was just a passing phase. Perhaps the pastors needed more time to come up with a more appropriate response or were relieved that we did not ask anymore. As a parent, I hoped the same.
But time did not change things. Instead, the situation, prayers, and anxiety grew more urgent and desperate. So we struggled on our own and sought help, support and answers from others.
When it became clearer that we were dealing with SSA, among other things, my emotions ran the gamut. From denial, anger, bargaining, and depression to acceptance, mixed in a cauldron of intense anguish, guilt, blame, shame and confusion. There was blaming and guilting of others and myself. Whose fault was this? Was it something we did or did not do? What did we do too little, or too much? Perhaps I did not fast and pray enough? What demonic chains, devils and strongholds did I not rebuke and cast out? Like the disciples in the Bible, I wondered, “Was it because of the sin of the parents or my child’s sin?” Those were the natural thought patterns in our minds: Whose fault is it? We wanted someone to blame, to take responsibility, as though by pinpointing the cause, we could somehow undo the effects.
I have come to see that causes and effects are seldom linear. Neither is my grief. My grief comes in waves. It ebbs and flows. To this day, there are still times I lament and mourn the loss of certain dreams, expectations and simple things that other families may take for granted about their child. I grieve over how I thought things should be, could be or must be. But in that thick wall of grief came God’s steadying arms and faithful love. I poured out all my questions, doubts and pain to God and surrendered to Him who knows what needs to be buried, surrendered and/or resurrected – myself, the idea of what I imagined my family would be, and what I wanted.
I do not have answers as to why this happened, or why my prayers have not been answered the way I expected them to be. In many ways, God’s presence in this journey is part of His answer. God’s answer IS this journey on which my child and I are on, whether in our separate paths or walking together. This journey has been precious, even though it is one ploughed by tears, prayers and anguish. The pain does not diminish though God is still here at work, still in control and still loves us very much. He sees my tears and collects them because they are precious to Him. None of these are wasted or in vain. I know God is always at work, whether I see it, feel it or sense it or not.
Fast forward twelve years or more, I have learned to respond to what is, not what should be or what should have been. It is far more helpful to start my work with what is, and where we are at. Sometimes, I still have to re-learn how to surrender myself and my child to His purpose. I return to the story of the prodigal. But it is not my child who is the prodigal in the story. It is me who is the prodigal. (Aren’t we all?) I imagine what I would want to see, hear, feel, think and receive from God while I am in that far off country. I recall the ways God has shown His persistent and constant love for me while I was far away, and what turned my heart and moved me to return home. In this way, I try to reflect back to my child a small bit of that love which I have been freely given, and hope that likewise, my child’s heart will hear the call of God and come home.
In this unique path, my child and I have shared many happy moments, too. My child is one whom I am very proud of. There is so much about this child to love celebrate and be thankful for. We laugh together, play together, eat together, share together and celebrate together. In this “togetherness”, I hope to deepen our relationship, because this relationship will be part of my child’s light and path homeward. I cherish the mundane ordinary moments as much as the big moments. In essence, I ask God daily to show and teach me how to love my child the way He loves us. I need God’s heart and strength to love my child when it is difficult, when we disagree, when we believe differently, or when my child tells me something that is difficult to bear.
Isn’t that how we all are with God? We sometimes walk, talk, think and live contrary to His heart. Yet He still loves us and doesn’t give up on us. God finds ways to show us His love, without compromising on His standards, nor slamming them down on us. I need to watch how my Father does this and do likewise. It is easy to lose focus in the midst of this “big” SSA factor on my child. And for a while it did. But God is re-orientating me to His True North.
My call as a parent has not changed because of SSA. It remains the same. It is the call to love my child, and to show Christ to him. The more I know and experience as God’s beloved, the better I can embody that truth and attempt to reflect God’s love to my child.
一位母亲的心路历程
作为一个孩子有同性吸引倾向的母亲，我的经历并不是从一个突如其来的“出柜”时刻开始，而是经过多年逐渐形成的。
事情起源于我的孩子总是提出一些令人疑惑与不安的问题。作为父母，我们在黑暗中迷迷糊糊地试图明白我们的信仰、价值观、信念以及孩子告诉我们的事情。我们曾向教会的牧师寻求帮助。尽管他们非常真诚、善良，但他们对我们的情况无从下手。在无法完全理解的情况之下，他们的努力逐渐停了下来，认为时间可以使所有事情沉淀，希望这只是这孩子成长的一个阶段。或许牧者们需要更多时间去思考更合适的回应，又或者因为我们不再追问了而得以缓一缓。身为家长，我也有着一样的希望，希望事情有所好转。然而，时间并没有带来什么改变。相反地，所有的情况、祷告、我们的焦虑，变得更紧迫和绝望。因此，我们继续在黑暗中蹒跚而行，向各界寻找答案、支持和帮助。
当我们越来越清楚我们面对的问题是同性吸引时，我感到悲痛欲绝：从过去的否认、愤怒、拉锯、悲伤、沮丧、到接受事实，所有的痛苦、自责、复杂的情绪掺和在一块。我责怪自己，也责怪身边的人。这是谁的错？这是因为我们曾经所做过的事？还是没做到的事？又或者是因为我们做得太少还是做得太多？也许是因为我禁食祈祷得不够？还是仍有什么恶者或邪灵的捆绑，没被斥责和赶走？就像圣经中的门徒的想法一样，“这是因为父母的罪所导致的，还是我孩子的罪？” 这些都是在我们脑海中不断浮现的疑问：这究竟是谁的错？我们希望可以将事情怨在别人的头上，让其他人来承担责任。这样，我们可以通过找出问题的原由，以对症下药。
然而，我了解到因和果很少有直接的关系，我的悲伤也何尝不是。我的悲伤波澜起伏，起伏不衰。时至今天，我仍然为某些失去的梦想、期望和其他家庭可能对他们孩子感到理所当然的简单事物而哀叹。有时，我也会为着我所认为事情应有的面目而感到悲伤。但在那厚厚的悲伤之墙里，上帝稳重的双臂和信实的爱临到我。我向上帝倾诉我所有的问题、疑虑和痛苦，并降服在祂面前。祂知道什么需要被埋葬、交托、使我的灵苏醒。我将我曾经想象的家庭和我心所求的都全然交托。
对于为什么会发生这种事情或者为什么我的祷告没有得预期中的答复，我毫无头绪。但在许多方面，神在这段旅程中的陪伴，是祂回应我们的部分答案。神的答复一直都在我和我孩子的这一段旅程当中。无论是在我们分开的路径上，还是一起同行的路上。这段旅程弥足珍贵，尽管它是被泪水、祈祷和痛苦所冲击的。虽然上帝仍然在这里，在工作，仍然掌管着我们，并且仍然非常爱我们，但痛苦并没有减少。上帝看到我的每一滴眼泪，并将它们珍藏起来，因为我的眼泪对祂而言是何等的珍贵。这些眼泪没有白白地流出。我知道上帝总是在为我们做奇妙的工作，无论我是否看得到，感受到，或感觉得到。
把目光转移至十二年后，今天的我学会了如何回应当下的事实，而不是回应以前的应该或不应该。特别是从我所处的环境里头去执行，更能帮助我坦然面对。有时候，我仍要重新学习如何把自己和我孩子的生命交托给祂的旨意。我重温浪子回头的故事，但是故事中的浪子不是影射着我的孩子，而是我自己。（我们都是，不是吗？）我想起当我曾经离神非常遥远的时候，我期盼看到、听到、感受、思考和从神那里领受到什么。我回想当我还在离上帝很远时，祂如何对我显明那永恒且坚定的慈爱，又是何事使我的心改变，并感动我回到祂的家。因此，我尝试将我从神那里得着那无条件的爱，一点一滴地浇灌在我孩子的身上，盼望以同样的方式，我孩子的心能听见上帝的呼召，并回到祂的怀抱。
在这条独特的道路上，我和我的孩子也彼此分享了许多快乐的时光。在我眼里，我的孩子是让我引以 为豪的人。这孩子有着很多值得我去爱、欢庆和感恩的地方。我们一起欢笑，一起玩乐，一起吃饭，一起分享，一起庆祝。在这种”共同相处”当中，我希望我们的关系能被巩固，因为这种关系将成为我孩子生命中的亮光和回家的途径。我珍惜特别的时刻，也珍惜每天平凡的时刻。从本质而言，我要求上帝每天施展并教导我如何以祂爱我们的方式去爱我的孩子。我需要上帝的心思和力量去爱我的孩子，尽管在我们面对困难或意见迥异的时候；还是当我们的信仰不同；抑或他告诉我一些难以承受的事情。
我们所有人不都是如此吗？我们有时走路、说话、思考和生活方式都悖逆了神的心意。然而，祂仍然爱我们，没有放弃我们。上帝以不同的方法向我们显明祂的爱，但从不妥协祂所设的标准，也不把将这些准则重重地责罚我们。我想，我需要看看我的天父是如何做到这一点的，并且依样画葫芦。有时，在我孩子身上所存在“非常大”的同性吸引倾向的因素中，我很容易失去焦点。有一段时间我真失去了方向，但神不断地引导我走在祂的道路上。
作为父母，我的呼召没有因为同性吸引这个问题而改变。它仍然是一样的，就是爱我的孩子，并向他施展基督的爱。当我越了解和经历我就是上帝所爱的，我就越能更好地体现这个真理，并尝试将上帝的爱显明给我的孩子。