My story is not as intricate as others, merely a Psalm of God’s love.
An ordinary life that bears God’s blessings in full.
Since primary school, I’ve known that I like girls though I’m born in a girl’s body. In school, I kept myself close to boys, learning their behavior thinking I could attract other girls. At the same time, I was struggling in my heart. Thoughts of becoming a man continued to linger in my mind until secondary school. Although the information technology wasn’t as advanced and I wasn’t aware about transgender surgery, I was still hoping to wake up with a man’s body. I hated the most protruding part of my body — breast, the significance of a woman.
I kept thinking why do I have a woman’s body? Why not a man? If I were a man, I could protect myself, I could be strong and handsome, I could be with girls, I could stand to pee, I could have so much convenience! However, my female significance was so obvious even my mom commented they are too big. I used to play basketball and when other female players showed and spoke words of admiration, I was so happy. I was sure I liked women but I dared not tell anyone. As my lust for women wasn’t satisfied, I turned to masturbation for comfort. Nobody taught me how, I just found out how to get high and eventually cultivated that habit; only when internet came around, I learnt that my actions was called “masturbate”.
When I graduated secondary school, I was secretly in love with my female class president. She decided to further her studies overseas and I wanted to pursue the same but my mom stopped me. 3 years went by, she graduated and returned. She found a job and was financially stable, making me feel even more sure and secure to be with her. Unexpectedly, one night, she asked me the million-dollar question “would you be my girlfriend?” Despite my doubt, I put my hand into her palm. Yet, the relationship didn’t happen the way I’d hoped. The doubt of my decision grew larger within me but God’s mercy prompted her to utter another shocking sentence 7 days later – “I want to break up with you.” I couldn’t thank God for this, instead I blamed God for intervening. I even asked God to let go of me so that I can pursue what pleases me!
God is unlike other gods who answers our wishes. He didn’t answer my request to let go. Instead, he held on to my hands when I’ve already let go. He sent 2 angels to listen to my complaints and encouraged me with God’s word and introduced me to PLUC for a heart surgery. In PLUC, I met 2 pastors who faithfully led me to God’s operation theatre. I thought this kind of surgery would only need a few cuts but it was otherwise. After 1 year of counseling, it seems my urge to masturbate and watch pornography reduced but I didn’t feel different about my lust nor did I feel any hate in doing them. My physical needs weren’t taken away through prayers! Years went by, I felt like giving up but I remembered Rev Tryphena saying that if it takes 10 years to develop a habit then it could take as long to change it.
At this point, don’t you think God would have let me go? Yet, He spoke to me through the sermon notes that I interpreted during church services. At a camp I volunteered in, He spoke to me through the speaker on the topic of love. He said I’m chosen, I’m loved, I’m surrounded. The speaker demonstrated these 3 points through an object lesson, which opened my eyes. I concluded this as the end of the surgery where the opening is now stitched up. My heart of stone is slowly changing into a heart of flesh. This heart surgery has taken 8 years to complete. Although my heart is changing, my mind and my behavior remained. I felt so discouraged but time is not a factor for God.
From then on, I started to accept my identity as a female and the fact that God treated me as one. I stopped wrestling with God about changing my gender. In the 9th year of my journey, in year 2018, I started learning about makeup to make myself look pretty and presentable. Gradually, I started feeling like I’m Jesus’ new bride, a chaste virgin. Then, my heart starts to resist temptations of evil thoughts, behavior and habits. Hallelujah, praise the Lord! 10 years to complete the heart surgery! I know this is just the beginning. I’m so looking forward to see what marvelous plans God has for me in the future! All glory to God on high!
别以为上帝就这样放过我。在我翻译崇拜会证道的时候,上帝通过那些讲章对我说话,也透过某个少年营里的一个object lesson让我了解到I’m chosen, I’m loved, I’m surrounded的道理。我突然明白了，是上帝拣选了我，爱我，并且完全接纳我。这次手术缝合了！我