My story is not as intricate as others, merely a Psalm of God’s love.
An ordinary life that bears God’s blessings in full.
Since primary school, I’ve known that I like girls though I’m born in a girl’s body. In school, I kept myself close to boys, learning their behavior thinking I could attract other girls. At the same time, I was struggling in my heart. Thoughts of becoming a man continued to linger in my mind until secondary school. Although the information technology wasn’t as advanced and I wasn’t aware about transgender surgery, I was still hoping to wake up with a man’s body. I hated the most protruding part of my body — breast, the significance of a woman.
I kept thinking why do I have a woman’s body? Why not a man? If I were a man, I could protect myself, I could be strong and handsome, I could be with girls, I could stand to pee, I could have so much convenience! However, my female significance was so obvious even my mom commented they are too big. I used to play basketball and when other female players showed and spoke words of admiration, I was so happy. I was sure I liked women but I dared not tell anyone. As my lust for women wasn’t satisfied, I turned to masturbation for comfort. Nobody taught me how, I just found out how to get high and eventually cultivated that habit; only when internet came around, I learnt that my actions was called “masturbate”.
When I graduated secondary school, I was secretly in love with my female class president. She decided to further her studies overseas and I wanted to pursue the same but my mom stopped me. 3 years went by, she graduated and returned. She found a job and was financially stable, making me feel even more sure and secure to be with her. Unexpectedly, one night, she asked me the million-dollar question “would you be my girlfriend?” Despite my doubt, I put my hand into her palm. Yet, the relationship didn’t happen the way I’d hoped. The doubt of my decision grew larger within me but God’s mercy prompted her to utter another shocking sentence 7 days later – “I want to break up with you.” I couldn’t thank God for this, instead I blamed God for intervening. I even asked God to let go of me so that I can pursue what pleases me!
God is unlike other gods who answers our wishes. He didn’t answer my request to let go. Instead, he held on to my hands when I’ve already let go. He sent 2 angels to listen to my complaints and encouraged me with God’s word and introduced me to PLUC for a heart surgery. In PLUC, I met 2 pastors who faithfully led me to God’s operation theatre. I thought this kind of surgery would only need a few cuts but it was otherwise. After 1 year of counseling, it seems my urge to masturbate and watch pornography reduced but I didn’t feel different about my lust nor did I feel any hate in doing them. My physical needs weren’t taken away through prayers! Years went by, I felt like giving up but I remembered Rev Tryphena saying that if it takes 10 years to develop a habit then it could take as long to change it.
At this point, don’t you think God would have let me go? Yet, He spoke to me through the sermon notes that I interpreted during church services. At a camp I volunteered in, He spoke to me through the speaker on the topic of love. He said I’m chosen, I’m loved, I’m surrounded. The speaker demonstrated these 3 points through an object lesson, which opened my eyes. I concluded this as the end of the surgery where the opening is now stitched up. My heart of stone is slowly changing into a heart of flesh. This heart surgery has taken 8 years to complete. Although my heart is changing, my mind and my behavior remained. I felt so discouraged but time is not a factor for God.
From then on, I started to accept my identity as a female and the fact that God treated me as one. I stopped wrestling with God about changing my gender. In the 9th year of my journey, in year 2018, I started learning about makeup to make myself look pretty and presentable. Gradually, I started feeling like I’m Jesus’ new bride, a chaste virgin. Then, my heart starts to resist temptations of evil thoughts, behavior and habits. Hallelujah, praise the Lord! 10 years to complete the heart surgery! I know this is just the beginning. I’m so looking forward to see what marvelous plans God has for me in the future! All glory to God on high!
我的故事没有别人的曲折，纯粹只是上帝爱的诗篇。
一个平凡的人生却承载了上帝满满的祝福。
从小学开始,我就知道自己喜欢的是女生，却偏偏是个女儿身。所以在学校里常常靠近男生，学习他们的一举一动好让我可以吸引别的女生，但同时内心却充满了挣扎。这种想成为男生的念头一直存在我的心里直到中学毕业。虽然当时的科技没有现在发达，我并不知道有所谓的变性手术，但却一直希望自己可以像电影情节般一觉醒来就变成了男儿身。还记得当时最讨厌自己身上最突出的地方–乳房，一个女性的象征。
上中学的时候，我更是不停思考为什么我是女生? 如果我是男生，我就可以保护自己，我就可以很man，我就可以和女生在一起，我就可以站着小便，我就可以有很多很多的方便！偏偏我就是女生，而且身上的女性特征特别明显，连我妈都说长得太大了。打篮球的时候，当有别的女生欣赏我，这会让我心里爽好一阵子。那时，我就已经确认自己喜欢的是女生，却不敢告诉任何人。那时，我没有办法满足自己心里黑暗的欲望，唯有透过自慰来取悦自己。其实都没人教的，我也不知道自己是怎么开始形成了这个习惯，后来才知道那叫自慰。
中学毕业时，我暗恋着我的女班长，觉得她的直率很帅气。可是毕业不久后，她就决定离乡背井出国深造。我却在上帝的保护中，被妈妈阻止和她一同出国，留在本地念大学。3年很快就过去了，她也学成归来并开始工作，有了经济能力，让我觉得更加可靠。不料，某天晚上我陪她公干结束后,她问了那个最关键的问题：你愿意做我女朋友吗？我心里挣扎却还是把手伸了出去，放在她的手掌心里。我以为这个动作会缓和所有的挣扎，但是内心的不肯定还是放大了好几倍，开始怀疑自己的决定。上帝怜悯，七天之后，她提出了分手。我当时并不懂得感恩，却只懂得埋怨上帝。我甚至向上帝提出要求,要上帝别管我，让我随心所欲。
上帝从来都不是有求必应的神明。祂才不管我的要求，紧紧地抓住我已经放开的双手。派了两位天使在我生命中做了很重要的工作。她们陪伴我，用上帝的话语光照我，介绍我到PLUC这个机构动心脏手术。当然我也在那里遇到了两位没有放弃我的牧师和传道，一直透过辅导引导我到上帝的手术室。第一次，我冰冷地回答了所有的问题，好像在陈述别人的故事一般。她们四位一直为我祷告。我以为这种心脏手术只要动几刀就好了，大概没什么大不了。但是我发现并不如我所期待的。过了整整一年了，虽然我自慰和浏览色情网站的次数有减少，但是并没有到完全撇弃与厌恶它们的情况。我的生理需要还是没有办法通过祷告让它消失!
在PLUC接受辅导的过程中，我坦诚了自己有自慰和浏览色情网站的习惯。虽然我已经敞开自己黑暗的一面，却没有感受到这一块被光照。一年又一年过去了,我已经开始觉得，嗯，如果真的一辈子还是脱不了瘾，就让它随行吧！反正已经不会怎么影响我了。还记得当时罗牧师告诉我，你若是花十年来养成这个习惯，当然也可能需要十年来改变！我不以为意，因为似乎靠自己的意志根本就没有什么节制可言。
别以为上帝就这样放过我。在我翻译崇拜会证道的时候,上帝通过那些讲章对我说话,也透过某个少年营里的一个object lesson让我了解到I’m chosen, I’m loved, I’m surrounded的道理。我突然明白了，是上帝拣选了我，爱我，并且完全接纳我。这次手术缝合了！我
的石心就从那时开始软化，最终成了肉心！这个心脏手术动了整整8年! 可是我的思想行为还是任凭自己。噢，我是多么的气馁。但是时间对神来说没有任何意义，祂可以等。
打从那时起，我开始接纳我自己是女生的身份。接受上帝的创造，不再和神角力要改变自己的性别。在2018年，我开始学习化妆，想要把自己弄漂亮一点，端庄一点。逐渐，我开始觉得自己是耶稣的新妇，一个有贞操的处女。我的内心开始抗拒那想要自慰的试探。每当我觉得被不公对待时，我会想要通过自慰来暂时找到愉悦的快感。但是因为我心里觉得自己是耶稣的新妇，必须是守贞的处女，我开始抗拒这些黑暗邪恶的思想，而我的行为也因此转变了。哈利路亚，赞美主！10年了，这手术一动就十年了。我知道这并不是结束而是另一个段落的开始。我真的开始想看看上帝在我身上还会有什么奇妙的作为!